My uncertain future
by purplehamster
Summary: May contain spoilers - Syed's story after the wedding
1. Chapter 1

He could hear that song in his head the one that had been playing when Christian had said he loved him. Before everything had gone wrong. He looked up and the pretty Christmas lights were all around them and the sights and sounds of the market stalls trading their Christmas wares. As Christian said it to him a tube train had come along and the lights had reflected onto Syed. He remembered how he had said it back and Christian had looked so pleased and tearful.

Later than night, Christian's hand trailed down his chest and his lips were strong and urgent on his. Syed felt himself giving in to the pleasure of the kiss and their tongues were exploring and searching. Christian moved down and was kissing his neck and around the back of his ear where he was really sensitive and then sliding down slowly onto his chest. His hand was still caressing him and moved to just above his belt and teased backwards and forwards around the waist-line. Syed gasped and his head fell back onto the pillow. He reached out and pulled Christian up to him and kissed him deeply. Christian could feel how desperate Syed was for this and decided to stop teasing him and he sat up. He undid Syed's belt and slipped his jeans and boxers off onto the floor. He moved back onto the bed and straddled Syed's legs so he couldn't move. His hand moved down and held him where he most wanted it gently stroking top to tip and when Syed starting moving frantically under him and calling his name, he held him more firmly. Syed's hands were moving down and he was touching Christian through his jeans so he stood up and disrobed and then got back on the bed. Syed took hold of him and they were caressing each other and drowning in each others' eyes at the same time. In the distance there was a shout "Syed" and the image was fading and then "Syed time to get out of bed" and as Syed opened his eyes the images completely disappeared from his mind. He turned over and saw that he was alone in the double bed in his parents' house and Amira was calling him from downstairs. He so wanted to close his eyes and be back in that dream again. He ached for Christian physically and mentally. He had so many dreams about him. Time to face painful reality again and another day of work and dealing with his mum's meaningful looks and pretending everything is fine with Amira. Things with his mum were poor, she was civil to him and no more. The rest of the family seemed to just put it down to her being pregnant but Syed knew she could hardly bear to be in the same room as him anymore. The closeness was gone between them. He felt so alone.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Christian heard noises coming from his kitchen. He opened his eyes. Tim was making them both a coffee. Christian groaned when he felt his head pounding. Why had he drunk so much again? He could hardly remember anything from last night just that he had gone clubbing and got off with someone yet again. His life was now in this downward spiral of clubbing, drinking to oblivion and sex. Thing was come the morning he always regretted it and vowed not to do it again. It wasn't making him feel any better it just helped him get through the nights. They were the worst. Even when he was with someone else all he could see was Syed's face as he kissed them, Syed's body as he touched them and sometimes he imagined he could hear Syed's moaning and feel his hands on his body but he knew it was just his imagination. He sighed to himself and pushed back the covers. Tim was coming over with the drinks "hey lover stay there I don't need to go yet. How about we have a repeat of last night?". Christian looked over as he started to get dressed "sorry Tim I have an early start, it was a great night thanks."

"Care to repeat it" said Tim.

"Look I might see you at the club again, let's just leave it at that."

Tim was disappointed. He liked Christian and boy was he good in bed. He obviously had issues though and he suspected that Christian wasn't over someone. Tim got up and got dressed. He downed his coffee and gave Christian a quick hug "bye, I hope he's worth it" and walked out. Christian felt really angry. Why couldn't he just get Syed out of his system? He had gone ahead and married Amira even though Christian had told his mum everything so obviously Syed had pretended Christian had been lying or something similar as the wedding had gone ahead. Syed didn't deserve his love and he was determined to get over him somehow.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

It was Ricky and Bianca's wedding day. Syed was tempted not to go as he knew Christian would be there and he really couldn't face him. The dreams he kept having were getting more intense every night and often he woke up and then couldn't sleep again thinking of Christian. He had tried to get out of it by saying he wasn't well but his mum seemed to realise straightaway he was pulling a fast one and was determined he should go "you have to face him you know. You're married now and I'm sure he will keep his distance as should you."

"Mum please I really don't want to go."

"I have to go and face that man so there's no way you get out of it."

Syed knew he had no choice. He put on his suit and willed the day to go as fast as possible. The reception was going to be held in the Vic where Christian worked so hopefully then he would be too busy to try and speak with him. Actually it was months since they had spoken not since his and Amira's wedding day. The few times Syed had gone to the Vic with Amira or his family, Christian always got someone else to serve them. It was really awkward as Amira kept asking what had happened to make them fall out but neither Syed or Christian would tell her of course. Christian would make an effort to be friendly to her and the two of them would often be laughing about something at the bar together which made Syed feel worse. How could he laugh like that when Syed didn't feel there was anything to laugh at particularly in his life. A couple of times he had seen Christian flirting and chatting up people but never the same person as far as he was aware. His mum loved this and kept saying to Syed how stupid he was to have thought that Christian could ever settle down and be happy with one man. She dismissed the fact that Christian had said he loved him as his small-talk. She would often say things like this to Syed and over time he had started to believe her especially when he saw Christian with someone else.

The wedding ceremony was finished and everyone was back at the reception. Amira asked Syed to go and get some more drinks for everyone so he headed off to the bar. Roxy and Ronnie were busy serving so Christian reluctantly walked over to serve him.

"Two orange juices, one lemonade and one tonic water please" said Syed.

Christian went off and started doing the drinks. When he had finished he quoted the price.

"Thanks" said Syed handing him a £10 note. Christian got his change and dropped it into his outstretched hand. Syed carried the drinks back to the table. Well that was that then. Not a word had passed Christian's lips. Well if he wanted to be like that let him. It hurt though. Syed thought back to how they used to talk about things. He couldn't talk to Amira in that way, her head was full of shopping, make-up and girly stuff. He missed having someone he could really talk to and he felt so lonely. Here he was in a crowded pub and he felt like he was invisible. What with his mum barely able to look at him and Christian not even talking to him, what was the point? Oh yes to be a good Muslim. Well he was certainly that alright but to think this was his life for the next maybe 50 odd years was a hard thought. He looked down into his drink and his thoughts were somewhere else back in his dreams.

Christian glanced over a few minutes later and could see that Syed was looking sad. All his family were laughing and joking but he looked like the odd one out sat there with them not joining in with their conversation. Christian felt tempted to go and speak to them all and try and include Syed but knew with Zainab there, it wasn't a good idea. He wished now he had been friendlier when Syed ordered his drinks but he still felt so angry with Syed for going through with the wedding. He obviously wasn't happy though but then he only had himself to blame. Christian turned back to serving people and put Syed to the back of his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Six months had passed. The last few weeks had been really hot with a long heatwave going on and as Syed walked up to the Unit, he could feel the sun on his face. He didn't look around him as he walked and to any stranger passing by, they would think he was deep in thought. He felt like he was on autopilot. Get up, get dressed, eat, go to work, have lunch, more work, come home, eat again and then watch telly with his parents and Amira and that was it. The full range of his life. He reached the Unit and headed in. He was going to be on his own this morning but he just had to clean up and get some food ready for the afternoon's job at the Community Centre. He changed into his work outfit and set to work automatically.

A short while later he heard footsteps on the stairs. He looked up expecting to see Amira but it was Christian.

"Hello Syed I just popped in as Phil wants to see if we can book Masala Queen for a couple of dates next month."

"Oh Mum isn't here now you will have to check with her later on."

"Can't you look at the diary for me and pencil them in?"

"Mum's taken over the bookings side of things now, you could always ring her at home. Now the baby's here she tends to do lots of paperwork there anyway."

"I thought you always tended to do that side of things."

"No not now" was Syed's answer. Christian was confused, why on earth wouldn't Syed be dealing with all that? So much for him building his empire he seemed to be going backwards and just doing the menial stuff again. Syed went back to chopping the vegetables and Christian walked out. He decided he would go straight to Zainab's house and try and book those dates. When Zainab answered the door she glared at him.

"Yes what do you want?"

"I need to book some dates for the Vic for a couple of functions but I gather you deal with that side of things now."

"Yes you'd better come in" she said grudgingly. Christian stepped into the house. He hadn't been in this house for months not since the evening that he had invited himself along with Jane and Syed hadn't known. His thoughts were distracted by what had happened later on that evening when Syed had confronted him in their alley. "Dirty alley" as they liked to call it. He looked around the lounge area, everything looked the same and yet to think that Syed spent so much time here with Amira his wife. There wer wedding pictures everywhere and he tried to turn so he couldn't' see them anymore Zainab walked back in with the diary

"what dates do they need?"

"5th and 28th September and both are birthday celebrations."

"That's fine they're both free." Christian informed her of the times and further details and then had to ask

"so why doesn't Syed do the paperwork anymore than?"

"Well he works so hard and with me being at home with the baby it just makes sense for me to do it."

"Did he actually get any say in that decision?"

Zainab glared at him coldly "I think you should go, you've done what you had to do."

Christian left the house deep in thought. So, as he thought, Zainab had decided to take some responsibility away from Syed but why. As if she was punishing him but for what? He was determined to find out more.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

Christian and Jane were on their second glass of wine and laughing at an old family joke. Christian thought this might be a good time to raise the subject with Jane.

"I had to make some bookings for the Vic the other day with Masala Queen."

"Oh yes so why are you telling me this? Not exactly riveting stuff Christian."

He laughed "it's just when I got there Syed was there on his own" Jane looked at him worriedly but he shook his head "no nothing to worry about. But I asked him to look at the diary and he said he didn't do that side of things anymore. I had to go to their house and Zainab deals with it all now. Said because she has the baby and she can do the paperwork from home."

"Well that makes sense."

"It's just I get the feeling that it was Zainab's decision and not what Syed wanted. He told me once how he wanted a future and part of that was building an empire. Well he's not going to get that if he passes all the business side of things to his mum is he?"

Jane was quiet twisting her wine glass around in her fingers. She looked reflective.

"Christian I don't know why you are so concerned about this, you've moved on. Leave them to it and let them sort themselves out."

"I haven't moved on as much as you think Jane. I just go through the motions of pretending. I miss him so much it hurts."

"Time will help. You've already made so much progress since the wedding. Think how down you were then. Don't look back Christian."

"I'm worried about Syed. He looks so thin and tired and he never seems to go anywhere with Amira. She often complains to me that she can't get him to do anything or go out. All he does is work and that can't be healthy."

"Well maybe he's still hoping for that empire Christian. Just let them get on with it you have your own life to lead."

Jane then changed the subject fairly quickly and Christian knew she wouldn't be pleased if he tried to talk about it again so he gave up. They polished off the bottle of wine and they he headed off back to his flat.


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

Zainab couldn't stand it anymore. She just hated seeing her beloved son so unhappy. She desperately needed to speak to someone in confidence and the only person she could think of was Jane. They hadn't really spoken properly for ages and Zainab decided she would invite her out for a meal.

A week later and the two women met up in the restaurant. Jane was a little baffled by this invite. Apart from polite greetings when they passed in the street, they hadn't spoken properly for ages. They ordered their meal and then had their dessert and were all out of polite small-talk. Jane could tell that something was on Zainab's mind and thought she would try and prompt her.

"So Zainab was there a reason for you asking me here tonight then?"

"Well I thought it would be lovely to catch up properly. But now you ask" she looked uncertainly at Jane "there is something. I need to confide in someone I can trust and the only person I could think of was you."

"Thank you I think" said Jane.

"I am so torn Jane. You know what happened between Christian and me on their wedding day."

Jane nodded she didn't trust herself to say anything else. Where was Zainab going with this and what was the point of going over old ground?

"Well after Christian told me what had happened between him and Syed, I decided I needed to know for myself so when Syed arrived at the reception I confronted him."

Jane swallowed hard, this was new information to her.

"I said some things about Christian which upset him and then he just got so angry and he he …"

"He what?"

"He admitted he was gay and then he said he was in love with Christian."

Jane and Zainab looked at each other. Jane was stunned by what her friend had just told her. Syed had actually admitted everything to his mum. What a brave thing to have done.

"What happened next Zainab?"

Zainab looked down at the tablecloth and her face fell.

"Zainab?"

"Syed begged me not to make him marry Amira, he begged me and he was crying and I couldn't look at him I was so ashamed of him and what he had said. I told him he had to do it for his family and his faith and I still couldn't look at him."

Jane felt her eyes watering. What an awful situation for both Syed and Zainab. She could understand how Zainab must have felt finding out all of that on his wedding day but at the same time for poor Syed, to be pleading with his mum and her turning her back on him and forcing him to go through with the wedding, it was so heartbreaking. And when she thought about Christian she knew he didn't know all this otherwise he wouldn't have been so horrible to Syed since he had got married. She realised she would have to tell him, he had a right to know.

Zainab was quietly looking at her.

"You're going to tell Christian aren't you?"

"He has a right to know don't you think?"

"He should know. Time has shown me that. I don't know what to do Jane. The reason I have told you this is because Syed is falling apart in front of me and I just don't know what to do. I feel so guilty but he has to make a go of his marriage."

"You did what you felt was right and also for your faith."

"I hate seeing him so down. I just wish he would try and go out more and just have some fun. Perhaps your family could invite him and Amira round for dinner. Even that would be something different for him. All he seems to do is work long hours and I am sure he is avoiding Amira as much as possible."

"Zainab he told you he is gay so he will be struggling being married to a woman. He also is in love with Christian so won't be truly happy with Amira. But he still went ahead and married her so he respects his family, his faith and her so obviously will make a go of it. Give him time and perhaps it will seem easier."

"Do you really think that Jane?"

Jane couldn't answer. It was just words she had said but she wasn't convinced. Christian was the same as Syed living life in a trance and until they could be together properly she didn't think either of them would be truly happy again.


End file.
